Real · Uncategorized

Keeping Me Up At Night

I am blessed to not be able to sleep most nights.

That is an odd thing to say, right? I am sure I have countless friends and family who would disagree. I have one friend with an almost 7 month old infant that refuses to sleep, so I know she would confidently think otherwise! But, just hear me out.

I am blessed with not sleeping because of the reasons I can’t sleep.

I can’t sleep because I LOVE what I do.

Often I find myself dreaming up new recipes, rearranging furniture in my head, thinking of unique colors and textures that play well together, creating ways to cut costs for rooms to remain as budget friendly as possible, looking for possible tweaks to meals I want to share, and so much more.

This past week I barely slept at all. I had 2 exciting jobs during the weekend, so I couldn’t help but think about details and final touches to make everything as perfect as possible.

10 months ago I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. I was in a pit of depression. I felt as though I had no driving force to actually get out of my bed. I had no job, no friends, and no family near me besides my husband. I slept almost all day long. I slept because lofty dreams from my subconscious mind were far better than the reality I lived in. If I did pull myself out from underneath the covers I still sat on the bed and just browsed Pinterest while I watched Youtube videos. As I browsed and watched I caught myself trying to live through these pins or videos. I would try to construct the house I wish we could have, build the wardrobe I couldn’t afford, envy the makeup I had no reason to wear (since I never went anywhere), and watch as friends or coworkers interacted wishing I had someone to talk to.

For months on end the ONLY time I ever left home was to go grocery shopping once every two weeks. There were days and weeks where the only time I spoke out loud, was to my husband for the couple hours I saw him.

During this time I was applying to jobs and getting rejected by them like crazy. This rejection upon rejection upon rejection made this normally confident woman feel quite worthless.

As I mentioned above I had my husband, Mr. Charming. At this time he was working 2nd shift, from 3:00 pm-12:30 am. Since he would end up getting home pretty late he wouldn’t want to get up until later in the day, and since he went to work at such an awkward time we had virtually no time together. We basically woke up, ate lunch, cleaned up from lunch, had sex, then he would go to work and I would sleep the rest of the day.

Sleep. All I did was sleep. I slept because I had nothing. I slept because I felt worthless. I slept because I hated myself. I slept because I had no one. I slept because I could find no reason not to.

My mental health has changed so dramatically in the past 4 months. Because of one simple request from a friend, to redecorate their new home, I have a spark back in me. I found a passion to pursue, I have daily devotionals, my mom calls me every day so I have at least 1 other person to talk out loud to, my husband is on first shift, and we enjoy an amazing amount of time together, my friends and family are still far away, but we all make more of an effort to communicate (in some capacity) more regularly, and I started diving into my blog.

While not every day is perfect, and I still battle with anxiety, I FINALLY have reasons not to sleep. And for that I am blessed.

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